---

A woman goes to a fortune teller and asks what her future will be like. The fortune teller looks into her crystal ball and exclaims, " I have some bad news, your husband will die due to a violent crime." The woman pauses for a second and then asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS: At age 4 success is…not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is…having friends. At age 17 success is...having a drivers license. At age 35 success is…having money. At age 50 success is...having money. At age 70 success is...having a drivers license. At age 75 success is...having friends. At age 80 success is...not piddling in your pants.

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is".

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son .....

 

"Go get your mother."

What is the differance between in-laws and outlaws?? Outlaws are wanted!!!

A lady is at a large pet and pet food shop . She walks by a parrot . The parrot says to the lady," Psst, hey lady..you're ugly". The lady is mildly amused and walks on by. The same scenario is repeated on the following two visits and the lady becomes very irritated. Finally, she complains to the manager who insists it will not happen again. On the next visit the parot says, "Psst." The lady turns abruptly and angrily says,"What?" The parrot says, "You know!"

A couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary when a friend came over and said, "My you look so happy--you never seem to get upset with each other. Don't you ever fight?" The gentlemen replied, "Well, a couple weeks after our wedding, we had a little disagreement. I let her know that I would be the person in charge and then I didn't see my wife for three weeks. After about three weeks, though, the swelling started to go down and I could start seeing her a little bit out of one eye."

What happened to the cat who ate a ball of yarn?....she had mittens.

Man walks into a doctor's office. The doctor asks him what's his problem.
Man answers, "I think I'm a moth". The doctor says "I can't help you,
I'm a general practitioner and you need a psychiatrist". The man says,
"I know, but I saw your light was on."

When Sam passed away his will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last funeral attendee left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased with his funeral""I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did the funeral really cost?""All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand.""No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very, very nice but really... $50,000?"Rose nodded."The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."Sadie computed quickly."$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?""Five and a half carats."

Abe climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Abe asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Abe asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute.

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped. One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. bag of coffee,
and 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said:
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly".

A minister and a rabbi were having coffee one morning,
The minister said "One of my altar boys is studying for the ministry.
The rabbi said "eh, so vhat?
The minister said "Well, later he could have his own parish.
Again, the rabbi said "So vhat?"
Getting a little testy, the minister said Well, someday he could even become a Pope"
Once again, the rabbi said, "Eh, so vhat?'
The minister, really irritated, said. What do you want him to be, Jesus christ himself?"
Rather smugly, the rabbi said "Vun of our boys made it"

A guy walks into an antique store and asks....
"What's new?"

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!

I have been in love with the same women for 39 years. If my wife finds out she will kill me!

An elderly gentleman came to town to visit with a group of his old army buddies. He was staying in a hotel in Palm Springs.

His group of buddies decided to surprise him and sent a "lady of the evening" to his room.

She knocked on the door and said: I'm here to give you super sex!"

He replied: "Okay.. I'll have the soup".

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, or less, AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and there was a small gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for next Friday.

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.

Mother Superior tells two nuns that they must finish decorating before their new guests arrive. Their task is to finish painting the room without getting paint on their robes.

When Mother Superior leaves one nun asks the other, how are we going to paint without getting it on our robes?

The other nun has an idea, "let's take off our clothes and paint naked!", the other nun agrees.

They go on to paint and hear a knock on the door, "who is it?"

"BLIND MAN", the nuns look at each other and think well I guess we can let him in, he is blind and they both yell "come in."

The gentleman walks in and says, "wow, nice figure, where would you like me to hang the blinds?"

The first Jewish President of the United States of America was in the Oval Room at the White House.

He asks his personal secretary to please get his mother on the phone.

"Hi, Mom, it's me, Danny. I want you to come up here to Washington and spend some time with me."

"Oh, Danny, how nice, I'll make a hotel reservation right away."

"Mom, you don't need to make a hotel reservation, you'll stay here at the White House, you can sleep in Abraham Lincoln's bedroom if you like!"

"Why thank you son, that would be nice. I'll make my plane reservations this afternoon."

"There's no need for that, Mom, I'll send Air Force One for you and I'll have a government limousine pick you up at your apartment and take you to the plane. My own personal limousine will bring you here from the plane to the White House."

"Why, Danny, that would be lovely. When I come I'll cook you a lovely home cooked meal, I expect you could use one."

"No need to worry about that, Mom, we have the finest chefs in the world right here in the residence. All I want you to do is relax and have a good time."

"Son, that all sounds lovely. I will look forward to seeing you."

She hangs up the phone and dials her friend, Ruthie.

"Ruthie, hi it's me, Barbara. How are you?.... Fine, I'm fine thanks. Ruthie, my son just called and asked me to go stay with him for a couple of weeks.......the doctor?..No...... the other one."

A little old lady put a pink envelope into the collection plate at church one Sunday. When the priest opened it he found $1,000 in cash! He was very pleased. The next Sunday the same thing happened, there was the pink envelope and inside another $1,000! The third week the same thing happened.

The priest had taken careful note of the little old lady and saw that she was not expensively dressed, wearing carefully mended clothes and slightly down-at-heel shoes. He made sure to stop her as he stood at the doorway after the service.

"My dear lady", he said "I have been overwhelmed and grateful for your offerings to the church these past weeks but I can't help wondering if you can really afford to be so generous."

"Oh yes, Father," she responded. "You see, I have a wonderful son who sends me money each week."

"How wonderful", said the priest. "Your son must be very successful. Tell me, what does your son do?"

"My son is a veterinarian," said the little old lady, proudly.

"A veterinarian, I see...and where does he practice?"

"Oh, my son practices in Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno!"

Three elderly sisters live together -- a 96-year-old, a 94-year-old, and a 92-year-old.

The oldest sister decides to take a bath, but when she puts her foot in the water, she pauses.

She calls to her middle sister downstairs, "Was I getting in or out?"

The middle sister says, "I don`t know, I`ll go check."

But when she begins to climb the stairs, she pauses and asks her youngest sister, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The youngest sister sits at the kitchen table, shaking her head and says to herself, "I hope I never get like that, knock on wood."

She raps the table three times with her knuckles, pauses, and calls up the stairs.

"I`ll be up there in the minute. Someone`s at the door!"

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them:

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent!"

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back, "I'm so sick of Chardonnay ..."

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

A guy was in the line at the supermarket, when he noticed a beautiful blonde woman smiling and waving at him. So he says, "Do I know you?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you may be the father of one of my children."

Instantly his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Oh my!," he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on top of Joel's pool table in front of all my buddies?"

"No," she replies. "I'm your daughter's second grade teacher."